Limits.
Here is a draft I found of something I wrote back in 2007.
...................
I'm going to take this moment to sort of speak aloud.
Which is really what blogs are for, am I right? A medium of one-sided discussion. I talk, and you listen. Only three or so people ever comment on my blog, so it really is like a one-way conversation. Google Analytics tells me I average about 11.5 (or so?) unique visitors a day, and about half of those are regular readers, and half are people that randomly get to my blog from a Google search or something. On a weekly basis, I end up having about 50 unique visitors. At any rate, the point is that I get to talk, and say stupid things, and you read, smirking to yourself while drinking your coffee.
So, what's this post going to be about, Chris?
This post is going to be about how awesome I am.
Wait, wait - no I'm being serious. I really am awesome.
But there will be some humility in this post also, because the second part of this post - what I'm really, suddenly, overpoweringly preoccupied with the last 7 days, in fact the last 7 years - is that I could be so much more awesome than I am. My thesis here, what I'm trying to convey to you, is that I am self-limiting.
Alright, first let me stop using that word "awesome." It has a kind of kitchy, trite tone to it, like something a high-schooler might use when bragging: "I'm so fucking awesome." I think a more accurate word would be, and this is probably still bragging, but "great." I am a great person.
There's something in me that I can feel - this is greatness, for lack of a better word.
I'm not just talking about smartness. I'm talking about in most every aspect of my person.
I am pretty reserved and unassuming in my daily activities. I don't act like I'm better than any other person. Mostly because I don't think I'm better. I'm just... more. More. Somehow - I'm more, if my using the word "more" makes any sense to you, reading this. I don't look down on anyone. Those that know me know that I'm humble. And shy - so awkwardly shy.
I was born with ability, and without flexing or exerting, I was good at sports, good at school, had good manners, excelled at the viola, was able to harness my social and moral behavior into something that roughly fit in with even the hardest parts of Catholicism while my friends and acquaintances in high school pursued their own self-fulfillment at the expense of what they used to believe. I can say without ego that most everything that I've tried my hand at, I've been at least much better than average.
But not because of hard work or dedication. There have been moments, even longer periods, where I've worked hard at something - but this is decidedly an exception and not the general rule when it comes to my history.
For the last 7 years, my motto has been, "The middle road." Everything is relative, and for me, my middle road was higher than most people's high road. Yes, this sound insulting, but I'm speaking honestly here. I fully accept that if I weren't as gifted and clever and great as I am, if I had put forth the same amount of effort as I have since high school (which is to say not much), I would no doubt be a grocery store clerk or perhaps still working at the Einstein Bros. Bagels joint in Lewisville.
This is what is striking - without trying I ended up doing something that the majority of people look up to me for. (A hanging prepositional phrase. Get over it.). I could have majored in musical performance at college. I could have been a 4.0 pre-med. Or I could have gone into physics. I ended up going with biology because it was most interesting and because I already had a boatload of the required credits for graduation. I prided myself on the fact that I could do better than my classmates with a freakishly small amount of time invested in studying and learning for the class.
Is everything easy for me? Well, not all things.
Put bluntly, I'm overweight by about 50 pounds and I often don't work hard enough at work. After a self-examination, I'll put forth these two things as the main things that worry me.
Ultimately, when I think about these two problems, I realize that I'm self-limiting. With my size and musculature, I could eat less and exercise more and pretty much have a physique to be proud of. Right now I do neither. A lot of neither.
Self-limitation. Why don't I do these things?
One of the things that struck me about the movie Lawrence of Arabia, which I recently saw in a re-screening in Pennsylvania, was how well I could identify with the greatness that Lawrence has and possess in that movie. I don't think I'd be a good guerrilla warfare pack leader, but that's hardly the point. The main source of difficulty for Lawrence isn't the desert or combat or organizing his men or even dealing with the bastard British commanders - it's deciding what to do with his abilities. He despises them - because they obligate him to be a great person.
I feel obligated to be a great person.
A final note. I haven't amounted to anything yet. I'll admit I'm in a good position, as long as I work hard and develop a cogent work ethic. And my musings here are really just a big "what if...?" I'm not sure that I will amount to anything important, so to compare myself to the character Lawrence is possibly fallacious. Idiot. Stop it.
But this is a blog, right? A one-way communication? So, there you go.
Somehow, because it's all within my reach, I am so casual about the final approach to these different greatnesses, I'm so casual in reaching out to take what I could. Almost like Adam's reach to touch and understand God in Michaelangelo's painting on the ceiling of St. Peter's.
Which in the final analysis might suggest I'm very much in a massive company of fellow humans - all similar in our struggles to excel. Bishop Fulton Sheen was fond of this saying: "One step beyond mediocrity and we are saved."
But that one step! My good God, how difficult. I think a truly great man wouldn't have so hard of a time taking that last step.
It feels very much like I can't do it by myself. Do I need the help of someone else to encourage me? Or maybe to be motivated by some kind of psychological pressure? Or maybe by the grace of God. I suppose it comes down to what I want to use my greatness for.
...................
I'm going to take this moment to sort of speak aloud.
Which is really what blogs are for, am I right? A medium of one-sided discussion. I talk, and you listen. Only three or so people ever comment on my blog, so it really is like a one-way conversation. Google Analytics tells me I average about 11.5 (or so?) unique visitors a day, and about half of those are regular readers, and half are people that randomly get to my blog from a Google search or something. On a weekly basis, I end up having about 50 unique visitors. At any rate, the point is that I get to talk, and say stupid things, and you read, smirking to yourself while drinking your coffee.
So, what's this post going to be about, Chris?
This post is going to be about how awesome I am.
Wait, wait - no I'm being serious. I really am awesome.
But there will be some humility in this post also, because the second part of this post - what I'm really, suddenly, overpoweringly preoccupied with the last 7 days, in fact the last 7 years - is that I could be so much more awesome than I am. My thesis here, what I'm trying to convey to you, is that I am self-limiting.
Alright, first let me stop using that word "awesome." It has a kind of kitchy, trite tone to it, like something a high-schooler might use when bragging: "I'm so fucking awesome." I think a more accurate word would be, and this is probably still bragging, but "great." I am a great person.
There's something in me that I can feel - this is greatness, for lack of a better word.
I'm not just talking about smartness. I'm talking about in most every aspect of my person.
I am pretty reserved and unassuming in my daily activities. I don't act like I'm better than any other person. Mostly because I don't think I'm better. I'm just... more. More. Somehow - I'm more, if my using the word "more" makes any sense to you, reading this. I don't look down on anyone. Those that know me know that I'm humble. And shy - so awkwardly shy.
I was born with ability, and without flexing or exerting, I was good at sports, good at school, had good manners, excelled at the viola, was able to harness my social and moral behavior into something that roughly fit in with even the hardest parts of Catholicism while my friends and acquaintances in high school pursued their own self-fulfillment at the expense of what they used to believe. I can say without ego that most everything that I've tried my hand at, I've been at least much better than average.
But not because of hard work or dedication. There have been moments, even longer periods, where I've worked hard at something - but this is decidedly an exception and not the general rule when it comes to my history.
For the last 7 years, my motto has been, "The middle road." Everything is relative, and for me, my middle road was higher than most people's high road. Yes, this sound insulting, but I'm speaking honestly here. I fully accept that if I weren't as gifted and clever and great as I am, if I had put forth the same amount of effort as I have since high school (which is to say not much), I would no doubt be a grocery store clerk or perhaps still working at the Einstein Bros. Bagels joint in Lewisville.
This is what is striking - without trying I ended up doing something that the majority of people look up to me for. (A hanging prepositional phrase. Get over it.). I could have majored in musical performance at college. I could have been a 4.0 pre-med. Or I could have gone into physics. I ended up going with biology because it was most interesting and because I already had a boatload of the required credits for graduation. I prided myself on the fact that I could do better than my classmates with a freakishly small amount of time invested in studying and learning for the class.
Is everything easy for me? Well, not all things.
Put bluntly, I'm overweight by about 50 pounds and I often don't work hard enough at work. After a self-examination, I'll put forth these two things as the main things that worry me.
Ultimately, when I think about these two problems, I realize that I'm self-limiting. With my size and musculature, I could eat less and exercise more and pretty much have a physique to be proud of. Right now I do neither. A lot of neither.
Self-limitation. Why don't I do these things?
One of the things that struck me about the movie Lawrence of Arabia, which I recently saw in a re-screening in Pennsylvania, was how well I could identify with the greatness that Lawrence has and possess in that movie. I don't think I'd be a good guerrilla warfare pack leader, but that's hardly the point. The main source of difficulty for Lawrence isn't the desert or combat or organizing his men or even dealing with the bastard British commanders - it's deciding what to do with his abilities. He despises them - because they obligate him to be a great person.
I feel obligated to be a great person.
A final note. I haven't amounted to anything yet. I'll admit I'm in a good position, as long as I work hard and develop a cogent work ethic. And my musings here are really just a big "what if...?" I'm not sure that I will amount to anything important, so to compare myself to the character Lawrence is possibly fallacious. Idiot. Stop it.
But this is a blog, right? A one-way communication? So, there you go.
Somehow, because it's all within my reach, I am so casual about the final approach to these different greatnesses, I'm so casual in reaching out to take what I could. Almost like Adam's reach to touch and understand God in Michaelangelo's painting on the ceiling of St. Peter's.
Which in the final analysis might suggest I'm very much in a massive company of fellow humans - all similar in our struggles to excel. Bishop Fulton Sheen was fond of this saying: "One step beyond mediocrity and we are saved."
But that one step! My good God, how difficult. I think a truly great man wouldn't have so hard of a time taking that last step.
It feels very much like I can't do it by myself. Do I need the help of someone else to encourage me? Or maybe to be motivated by some kind of psychological pressure? Or maybe by the grace of God. I suppose it comes down to what I want to use my greatness for.
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